i started drafting this post soon after the new year, and i just never got around to finishing it. oddly... it all makes a lot of sense to me now. i'll cut right to it.
after giving myself the space to process and be with the emotions related to and triggered by the results of our chromosome testing, i was 99% sure that transferring our mosaic embryo was not an option. our phone consult with dr. zouves happened one week later and i remember going into it with an open mind. well... let's just say that dr. zouves, who tells it pretty straight, was singing a different tune. not only did he encourage us to transfer, but he feels really good about our chances of a normal pregnancy and baby- we were shocked! i'll tell you right now, had you approached me a few weeks ago, i would have told you that we decided to take a major leap of faith and transfer.
soon after, we consulted with our genetic counselor and she essentially shared that this specific abnormality can play out in the form of "mental retardation and birth defect type of syndrome". (deep breath)
soon after getting that information, M, A (6-years-old), A (4-years-old) and i jetted off to san diego to spend a weekend with M's college friends and their families. we stayed in a beautiful 8-bedroom villa, the views were incredible, the adults had a wonderful time and all of the children got along really, really well. beyond all of that, i was gifted with the sensation of having a greater purpose in life. i felt like a mama. and that's when it hit me... perhaps it makes more sense to slow things down, live together in a home of our own and see how i/we feel.
so, for once in my life... i am standing still.
i am standing still because i don't want to make the same mistakes. i am standing still because the thought of another damn loss brings me back to the darkest of places. i am standing still because it is entirely possible that all i have been longing and searching for is already right in front of me. i am standing still because i am starting to believe that M, A and A were incorporated into my life to patch me up and to gift me with greater, deeper purpose.
as of today, my heart and soul say no to transferring. it is too great of a gamble.
as of today, the suffering has ended. the grieving and healing can continue.
enough is enough. and only i could make the call.